When I don’t want to do what I know I should

“Certain peace may not come until after you take a certain step of faith.

And a step of faith often feels like a step through fear.”
Ann Voskamp

The day before had been a very busy day with a Youth Camp in our yard! I was feeling grumpy about saying Allowing the camp because I was very tired. My husband had been the only pilot flying sick patients for 6 days now at work. We were both in need of rest. But we knew we needed to say Yes. At the end of the day I was so humbled and proud of Abuti Tsepo and the other 4 boys who recreated the youth camp in our yard.  They had attended a 3 day camp up in northern Lesotho with dear friends of ours, and wanted to recreate and lead it here in our yard for the younger boys in their village. A beautiful day of bible teaching, where Matt and I really didn’t need to do anything, but say YES, and make lunch.


That morning, I woke up feeling tired with a headache again already. Stressed because the kids were spilling things everywhere and wouldn’t stop whining.  As I lay in bed I asked, “Do I have to go to church today Lord?” He replied quickly, “Yes, you do. Now go.”

The things that God calls us to can be hard. They can drain us, test us, and challenge us.

We got ready for church and headed on our way after picking up 7 boys to join us.  I stood there at church, in the front row, trying to get rid of all the barriers between me and the Lord. Clapping and pretending to sing a song I couldn’t understand. “I’m drowning here Lord, help. This is hard and uncomfortable.”  He replied quickly,“I’m here, grab on. Just you and me. Focus.”

Many days, I have to walk through the hard place to have a faithful Yes. Or rather, do I have to give a faithful Yes, knowing it will mean walking through another hard place.  Whether it’s through fear, fatigue, pain and sadness, insecurity…but every day He shows up.

This particular day at church we heard the testimony of our church’s outreach into the mountains. The funding came from FB friends who responded to my ask with a faithful Yes of empowering the local church. YES! I love the Body of Christ. They drove for hours to get to the location through rough roads and many barriers. In the end they baptized 6 and 80 prayed to receive Christ! I was beaming with pride at my Basotho Church’s passion and thankfulness for my American church’s response to the call!

I had retreated to the back of the church to give the kids some attention after using the long drop toilet, and comforting a child who was “just DONE” after 3 hours of church, in a language he doesn’t know with people who wont stop touching him. And then I heard the Lord, “Look up. I want you to see what I am doing in your hard and messy.”

One of the young men was walking forward to give his life to The Lord!
One of the boys that came the day before to our house from Abuti Tsepo’s village. Tears flowing. Instant JOY as well as instant repentance. “Thank you Lord. For calling this one. Thank you Lord for asking him to be your Beloved. I’m so sorry Lord, for not wanting to put in the work today. I’m sorry for trying to make excuses for not wanting to be obedient. Thank you for forgiving me and for helping me to continue to say YES. Thank you for this boy’s heart and thank you for letting me see a piece of the fruit that we helped sew the seed for.” I’m so thankful that He calls us to Himself to give us the real rest we need. Rest for our souls.


Praise God that when we are weak, He is strong, and that he uses broken vessels like me to shine His light through. He is so good. He doesn’t have to show us the fruit to encourage us with. But sometimes He does. He is gracious to give us a glimpse. I trust that there is much more fruit that I will never see, this side of Heaven, and so I walk in faith.


A few weeks later we saw more fruit. Another one of the Tsepo’s friends who rode with us to church and attend bible study at our house gave his life to The Lord!  Not only that, but our church partnered with MAF (and the American “church” funded it,)  for the first time in many years! Our church’s relationship with MAF has begun working towards restoration. Our church partnered with our company, Mission Aviation Fellowship to do a mountain outreach. Many were saved and many were baptized! Blessed be the name of the Lord.




And a few weeks later, we watched another boy step out in faith…


You see in my own strength and my own will I would have been tempted to say “no” some of these days. But when I am tuned into what He is really asking of me through the Holy Spirit, then I’ll know when I can’t say no. It’s only when I rely on His strength, and walk in obedience, abiding in Him, that I have the chance to see Him working through me.

“…Let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God…Do not grow weary or fainthearted…For the Lord disciplines the one that he loves…”

Hebrews 12:1b-2, 3b, 6a.

I hope that wherever you are, that you would continue to say YES to Jesus, if He is asking you to follow Him. He will carry you when you are weak. He will guide you when you are lost.  He can use us even when we’re stressed-out, dirty and tired. I pray you will show up, palms open, and say with me, “Here I am Lord. Use me for your Glory.”


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