Seen but not known.

 

I’m trying to learn how to live in two worlds. With one foot in Africa and the other foot back home in Washington…Bellingham…ever heard of it. No one around here seems to have. I’m physically in one, and mentally trying to remain in another. It hurts!

I am struggling with anxiety here like I never have before. I’m trying to find the source of it. Trying to discover the lie that lies at the root of this. But it’s messy down here, in the dirt. Its hard to tell what are roots, and what are weeds.

I’m continuing to be disciplined in this season of Sacred Waiting. He continues to meet me in this place. Gently whispering to me. If I’m not listening closely I could miss it. He continues to call me Higher and Deeper.

I’m seeing that one step to learning to live here, is to start being fully present here. The key to being a mom of two, in Africa is by being fully present now. The key to being a supportive, kind wife to a husband who is learning how to fly in dangerous situations in a new environment with patients in critical condition, is by being fully fed by the One who called me HERE. Not there. A patient died in his airplane lasterday. Died. He is flying laboring mothers, sick babies, a woman who was unconscious from a heart attack with a leaking catheter- all the while the ambulance drivers sit drunk in the vehicle and the nurses look to him to know what to do!

There was no way to prepare for this…

 

How do I live in this world, while all my friends and family exist in the other one. It. Is. Painful. How do I cope? How do I deal?

Even now as I’m writing this my son is pleading with me to come and join him for breakfast, but already, before breakfast, thoughts of home and what i am missing out on are consuming me- so here I am, stuck on FaceBook. My kids and my husband will pay the price of my homesickness if i’m not able to find a way to find balance. And right now I can’t trust myself to know, and stick to my own limits.

Facebook is helping me keep my homesickness at bay, but it’s preventing me from living fully right where the Lord has me today. I know I can only find Joy and Peace and Comfort from Him, and so I have decided to take a break for the Lenten Season.

 

I was reminded this morning from Oswald Chambers, “never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own, but His…Let Jesus Christ be the Guide to where you should go…”

 

I know why I am here.  To tell them of The One who made our eyes to see.  The One who loves them deeper than they’ve ever known.  I am to help them see that they are Beloved Children and that they belong to Him (John 1:12). I must look forward.

 

Every day my heart is aching for their pain, and for my own. The shock of the realities of life here in this culture, on this broken team runs deep.

I am so homesick. Leaving home was the hardest thing I have ever done (and I’ve given birth twice)! I mourn the loss of not seeing my friends and family.  I miss the precious time with my life long friends and Sisters in Christ.

 

But I cannot live in my fear.

I am so scared I will be forgotten.

I am scared I will be seen, but not known.

 

I am so scared that i will miss out on your lives.

On your joys and your sorrows.

On your prayers and your praises.

 

But I cannot carry that burden.

I will have to trust you, that you will let me know.

I will have to trust you that you will rest assured that I love you and I miss you.

And i will have to trust you, that you know where to find me if you need me. (carebear_018@hotmail.com / facetime / imessage / skype- matmonson )

I don’t know what this life looks like. I don’t know what the answer is to balance.

So during this season of Lent, I will allow the Lord to search my heart and my motives and see if there be any grievous way in me, and let Him lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139.

“But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.” Acts 20:24

“This was to make you rely not on yourself, but on Me, God, who raises the dead…  My grace is sufficient for you, for my powers are made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 1:9b, 12:9)

 

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One comment on “Seen but not known.

  1. Carolyn – there are no easy answers to these questions – I live them, too. But I applaud your heart and your desire to do the right thing! The Lord will reward you for your desire to put Him – and the calling He has placed on your life – first, I am sure of it.

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